Feel better.
I was feeling all depressed earlier because I was realizing how alone I felt.
Ok, it all started with me moving up to Redding. I did it to get a better job while in college. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown, I couldn’t make enough to save money for a place of my own, or enough to get my license back (~800$). So, I moved in with my dad. I wanted to be able to support my girl when she came back to this area in June, and I could only do so with money. Well, when I did this, I left ALL my friends behind in Red Bluff. I know nobody but my dad and cousin here in Redding. I’m not friends with my cousin really, we just don’t dislike each other, she’s very “preppy and jesus-y.”
After feeling like that, my friend Kevin calls me up from Red Bluff and is like, ”Heeey Gary (that’s how he talks), I got a party I’m going to later, you should totally come. I’ve got booze and a gay midget.”
First of all, he does have a gay midget. I’ve haven’t met him yet, but I’ve seen pics. Yea, he’s flaming, it’s so awesome.Ok, I have no gas money at all, because I need 55$ for my phone bill next month, plus gas money to school and work (eventually) and back. I have 95$~ in my account. Redding is a 30 minute drive from Red Bluff. I drive a truck. You do the math.
I get all depressed again, but during the conversation with him (lasting about 10 minutes), my friend Tanya texts me asking what’s up and such. After the call with Kevin, I call my girlfriend back and talk to her for like ~3 hours. After that, I remember the text and reply. About 20-30 minutes later, Tanya calls (by the way, Tanya is my girlfriend Elie’s sister and one of my best friends). She tells me about some stuff that happened and we talk about it. Then after that, we talk for like an hour and a half. It was awesome talking to a friend on the phone for longer than 10 minutes again.
I haven’t been able to do that in years. Usually, we’d just talk about where we’d meet, then go there and hang. But we got to talk for a while about just different shit. It was cool. When Elie and I get married, I’ll be really happy to have such a cool friend as a sister-in-law. Plus, I think her boyfriend is a really cool guy too. Quiet like me, but can be really fun, most definitely one of the nicest people I have ever met too.
And that is my night. Now I’m going to play a bit of WoW or Oblivion. Haven’t decided yet.
How do you know if you’ve made a bad choice? Truly.
So I did something a while ago. I knew I shouldn’t have, but I had thought about it for a few days, and came to me as the right decision. I’m think I’m regretting it now. The thing is, I don’t know if I’d regret it until after I act on regret. I’ll know after I’d act, but I might regret that regret. Hmm, I’m not sure.
It’s funny. I’m such an ultimately decisive and passionate person, but I’m also incredibly confused and indecisive young boy. Half the time I’m one, the rest of the time, I’m the other. Haha, not bipolar or a multi-personality thing, I’m just awkward at times. I am quite aware I’m not done growing up, and the sad thing is, I’m so close. There are just a few things to work on. I guess I’m only human, but still, it hurts nonetheless.
So, I know I’m going to act on a regret, but I’m not sure which one, and I know it won’t turn out the way I want it to. Yet, I must be an adult. I can’t go about life hoping my regrets will fix themselves. Rather, I should go through life with no regrets, and instead treat them as mistakes to learn from.
June 12th 2007
Last night, my english group came to my room at 1am and got me to come finish the project we had due at 8am this morning. Took until about 2:30. I came back to my dorm thinking I’d get a measly 4 and a half hours of sleep, but I saw guitar hero on the tv and though, “Fuck.” So, I played it until about 3am, then climbed into bed. I didn’t get to actual sleep until a little after 3:45. Hoping for 4 and a half hours of sleep was wishful thinking, I got about 3.
I woke up this morning so angsty about everything. I just presented my project with my group in english, and it went ok. My group is full of outgoing people, I made sure of that. I tend to be shy and quiet, and usually talk too quietly when around people I don’t know, so being in a group with the opposite makes up for that. Blia is a flakey girl, but ok I guess. Matt is a fat albino, but it seems most everyone likes him. And the other is Cheryl, she’s a short, really cute Hawaiian girl. We made some video clips last night, and mine sucked. I hate the sound of my voice when I’m being shy. I can’t help it, my voice is just deep usually. When I’m around friends and people I love, my voice is higher and more audible, but when I’m shy, it lowers and gets quieter, and I hate it.
Oh well, we made people laugh, and the class is full of idiots, so that means we’ll get an A. If you make stupid people laugh, the topic won’t matter, they’ll like it. If our presentation had been about kicking babies, we’d still have gotten an A with the laughs.
The rest of the day will not be as great. I have another class, and work. Plus, I have to do some math tests. Fuck.
