Feel better.
I was feeling all depressed earlier because I was realizing how alone I felt.
Ok, it all started with me moving up to Redding. I did it to get a better job while in college. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown, I couldn’t make enough to save money for a place of my own, or enough to get my license back (~800$). So, I moved in with my dad. I wanted to be able to support my girl when she came back to this area in June, and I could only do so with money. Well, when I did this, I left ALL my friends behind in Red Bluff. I know nobody but my dad and cousin here in Redding. I’m not friends with my cousin really, we just don’t dislike each other, she’s very “preppy and jesus-y.”
After feeling like that, my friend Kevin calls me up from Red Bluff and is like, ”Heeey Gary (that’s how he talks), I got a party I’m going to later, you should totally come. I’ve got booze and a gay midget.”
First of all, he does have a gay midget. I’ve haven’t met him yet, but I’ve seen pics. Yea, he’s flaming, it’s so awesome.Ok, I have no gas money at all, because I need 55$ for my phone bill next month, plus gas money to school and work (eventually) and back. I have 95$~ in my account. Redding is a 30 minute drive from Red Bluff. I drive a truck. You do the math.
I get all depressed again, but during the conversation with him (lasting about 10 minutes), my friend Tanya texts me asking what’s up and such. After the call with Kevin, I call my girlfriend back and talk to her for like ~3 hours. After that, I remember the text and reply. About 20-30 minutes later, Tanya calls (by the way, Tanya is my girlfriend Elie’s sister and one of my best friends). She tells me about some stuff that happened and we talk about it. Then after that, we talk for like an hour and a half. It was awesome talking to a friend on the phone for longer than 10 minutes again.
I haven’t been able to do that in years. Usually, we’d just talk about where we’d meet, then go there and hang. But we got to talk for a while about just different shit. It was cool. When Elie and I get married, I’ll be really happy to have such a cool friend as a sister-in-law. Plus, I think her boyfriend is a really cool guy too. Quiet like me, but can be really fun, most definitely one of the nicest people I have ever met too.
And that is my night. Now I’m going to play a bit of WoW or Oblivion. Haven’t decided yet.
Work is for the weak! …Mainly when you’re scooping ice cream for kids.
Giving my two week notice today for work…Wow, I suck at that kind of thing. My old job, they just got me so mad at everything, that I just walked in and dropped my uniform in a chair and said, “Yeah, I’m here to quit,” with a big smile.
For Baskin Robbins though, I don’t have a real beef with the place. My boss Frank is an ok guy. He’s over-bearing, a hypocrite, and cynical, but he isn’t that bad (his wife on the other hand…). I can’t just walk in and give a big ole’ “Fuck you” smile and quit, I want to do it nicely, ya know? I don’t even know what to say, or do. How’s this?
“Uh. Uhm. Hi Frank.”
“HI GARY! YOU GO CHANGE AND GET READY FOR WORK.”
“Uhm, actually I need to give my two week notice.”
“WHY YOU QUIT?”
“Uhm. I’m going to be moving in about two weeks.”
“*SIGH* OK GARY. YOU GO WORK”
How’s that look? I think that’s how I’ll do it. Fuck, nervous. I suck at confrontation.
Did I make a mistake……
I called Deedra just now. I told her I was going to be going out with Elie. Deedra is really upset now. I hate it. Deedra is my best friend, only Adam and like two others even come close, now I don’t think she’s going to want to be. I tried talking to her about something else after, and she was like, “Just no. I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you someday than I guess.”
Fuck, this sucks.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her, but it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t want her to find out second hand. I’d want her to tell me at least.
Dammit.
Disappointed? Or Proud? You decide.
So, I smoke sometimes. Yeah.
Cigars.
I can’t stand cigarettes. I had a few over break when I took them from my brother (who also smokes now), but they are horrible and I never smoke them. Yet, a good cigar tends to relax me and I feel good.
I have not once smoked in Fremont. I never had the means of buying them….by that, I meant I had the willpower to not walk into the nice, sexy, tobacco store down the street. But when I go home, I have my truck to drive down to the gas station and get one (white owl cigar). Well, during the break (4 days), I smoked about 8 cigars, and about 6-7 cigarettes.
Sad?
Are my readers disappointed with me? You should be. But what can I say, I like to smoke cigars sometimes.
Is around 11 cigars in 8 months bad? Is that a habit? I don’t think so personally. But I am getting a little worried that I may start doing it more once I move back. Hince, this blog.
I decided that I’m not going to stop totally, I don’t care enough. I think a single smoke every few weeks is not horrible. One a week I know would turn into 2 a week, than 2 a day, and etc. So, I won’t do that. I already decided that I won’t ever smoke another reefer or cigarette again, so that’s a good step.
Last time I smoked pot: November 05′
Last time I smoked a cigarette: August 28th 07′
Last time I smoked a cigar: July 30th 07′
There. Now, lecture me all you please.
Update on "Dangst"
So, she signed off IM, and was about to leave the house, when her dad walked in and asked where she was going. Caught. Damn. So she signs back on and says, “I got caught, won’t be able to try again either.”
At least we tried.
It sucks though, she’s such a cute cute girl, and I’ve had the crushies (you heard me Mike) on her for ages. When we used to hang out, she had a boyfriend, and she would always talk to me about him and whether or not she should break up with him or not over things. Well, apparently, that whole time, she was really just seeing if I would go out with her if she left him. Dang. I’m horrible at picking up hints from girls. So so so horrible. I wish I had picked up on that. I wish so much.
Truthfully, I think that she is the best looking girl I’ve ever had a chance with (well, that I liked back). Best thing is, she’s a really cool girl who is totally fun to hang out with.
I hope that she comes back to town again after I move back, I really want to hang out with her again.
Jeez, it’s been ages since I’ve flirted with a girl and been flirted with back, forgot how great it feels. I guess when you’re in a relationship for as long as I was, you get comfortable.
I’m glad that I know I at least have a chance with her though lol. It is pretty disappointing that we didn’t get to hang out though. Even if we just sat around and talked, I would have been totally happy with it. I’m not the kind of guy who would date a girl just for the physical parts, not at all. Truthfully, I would have trouble doing a one-night stand, just not that type of guy I guess. But since I’ve known Elie for so long, I was really looking forward to having a fun make-out time with her I guess lol.
I mean, I’ve always had girls be forward with me in the past (I mean really forward with some), but never really accepted it. But certain girls, I can’t help it, you know? Still, I’ve only ever kissed one girl in my life.
Anyways, there’s my night. Got my hopes up for a fun time with an old friend I’ve missed, and then got them shot right back down lol. I’m done for now than. Can’t think of anyone else to talk to or hang out with. I guess I’m done for the weekend socially. It’s ok though, just 3 more weeks until I’m back for good.
-Gary
More dangst in a bean cup
I’m leaving Red Bluff to go back to Fremont in the afternoon. It feels bad. I don’t want to go back. I loved this visit. I got to see friends, and I got to see my sister drunk off her ass (actually, she was drunk and on her ass in the dirt most the time). I got to be with my brother, who really is one of my best friends. I went to my first “cowboy” party (you know, bonfires, guns, cowboy hats, country music, and a lot of whiskey) out in the boondocks. Played guitar hero from 3:30am to around 6am with friends on saturday.
I just don’t want to go back to sitting in my room like a hermit. I had forgotten how fun it is to go out and do things. *sigh* I guess I can’t help it, I can wait another 3 weeks until I move back permanent, but I just don’t want to. Hate it.
Work Woes.
I just don’t care about my work anymore. I remember when I felt this way about my old job when I was about to quit. I brought my gameboy to work, slept on my patrols, hung out in the break room and talked to regular employees, and actually watched dvds a few times with the other guard.
The only reason I think I’m going to keep working the best I can now at work even though I’m putting in my two week, is that I respect my boss (Frank, not his wife) at least a little. He does most the same work us regular employees do and he’s there all day most everyday. Yet, I still don’t care much anymore. I’m not going to stress about learning new things or anything like that anymore. Just meh.
What am I going to do….
Why does bad shit always have to happen. Things might not be going the best, but they are going well enough to get you through life. But then something always has to happen to really ruin it. Not just happy days of joy, but just your plans of life in general.
I had planned to move back to Red Bluff and live with my mom for a few months before I get a job to get an apartment. I have about 1100 in the bank sitting there for the soul reason of getting an apartment. I won’t use it for anything else. Well guess what? Shit happened.
My mom is on disability for severe depression, has been my whole life. We have always just barely gotten by. When we moved to Red Bluff when I was about 8-9, we moved into my great grandparents house to take care of it (great grandfather just died, and my great grandmother was in a nursing home after a sever stroke). There was no rent since they had built it back in the 10’s to 20’s. We had our own well, so no water bill. Only real bill was the phone and electric, and those are small. Well, after a few years, my grandmother finally passed on. A while after this, we find out my uncle (one in charge of their finances) put off putting the house in my mother’s mother’s name. So that never happened. Because of this, the government said he had to sell the house and give them the money. He said we had about 5 years to sell it and get out. Well, about 2 years later, we have an eviction notice taped to the door, that if we don’t get out in 3 days, a sheriff will make us.
My mom had no clue what to do, my uncle said we could stay in it for 5 more years before they could sell it, but he lied. He also would not reply to our calls or any of my whole families’ calls. My mom was just asking if he could wait until the end of the month when she got her check, but he wouldn’t even let us contact him. We had to pack our things and get out. My entire family gave us money to get a place then. My mom got an apartment for us. I moved a month later to Fremont. While here, my mother moved again to a cheaper place. In fact, the cheapest place she was able to find.
Well, since then, my dad cut off my part of the child support. After paying the bills, and buying the cheapest food she could, my mom usually has about 20-40 dollars left. Before my dad cut it off, she was getting 400$ a month, now she’ll get 100$ a month. I don’t see how my mom will be able to do it. Getting 400 a month, she had 20-40$ left, now she’s getting 100 a month from him. I just don’t know.
I was planning on moving in with her when I got back, but I could never do that now. I can’t put that on her shoulders too. I could easily move in with my father in Redding (about 45 minutes north of Red Bluff), but after him doing this, I don’t want to be that close to him.
So, this leaves me with a new option.
I get to sleep around at people’s houses and in my truck, and maybe crash at my mom’s house every once in a while. Once I get a job, I’ll be better off, but not much. I have the money now to put a deposit down for a crappy apartment, but I don’t have the income to pay rent after that. So I’ll be sleeping where I can while trying to get a job. Once I do that, I’ll get a place.
I would really like to get a roommate to help with the rent, if I did, I could get a place right away I think. I don’t know, this will take some careful shit to get right.
Can you tell just how much I hate living here in Fremont? I’m willing to be homeless just to move away.
Sooo, what to do?
I’m torn. I have really, nothing much to do now. I’m done with school for the week, and don’t really have homework. I have some english thing, but it’s a 15 minute assignment I’ll do later. I kinda feel like just going to sleep, but I have work later today. Good thing is, I don’t have work this weekend, so I get to sit around and sleep in, and take naps, and write, and just be lazy and do what I want to do.
Feel good about that I guess, but not really. Boredom makes me sit and think, and thinking makes me depressed usually…
Maybe I’ll work on the access project I have due in a month. It’s kinda big, so might as well.
I could also start to layout some of the Harbinger Issue 2. I haven’t done a single thing to it for this issue yet. For the layout I mean. All I have to do really is just throw the stories in. Last month, I had to layout and make sure that the whole thing worked right, don’t have to do that this time thankfully.
Arghh-geh-geh-geh
So, was at work from 8-10 tonight. Was going to talk to my boss about the whole 2 week notice, buuuut, he was walking out the door as I walked up to the store. So damn.
Other than that, work was lame. Me trying to make friend with the people there is going lame-er-ly. It’s hard to make friends with people when they are all already friends. The 4 employees have all known and worked with each other for like at least a year each, and I’m just the newcomer who is trying to shove his way in. I’m friendly to them, they are friendly to me, yet, I’m excluded from their little circle.
When nothing is happening in the store, I’ll go stand over with them and such, but be kinda ignored you know? And sometimes they’ll do the friendly,
“SOOooooo, how’s it going?”
and I’ll say, “It’s going pretty good. Kinda tired, but pretty good. How about you?”
And I’ll get the, “Same.” Then they go back to their little thing.
It sucks. One girl, Fumei (fuu-may), is pretty nice and will talk to me and stuff when it’s just us two, but when others are there, it’s off to them. I mean, I’m not thinking they are jerks, the very opposite, they are very nice. It’s just hard to break into a circle of people. I’m only going to be there for a few more weeks, but still, it gets lonely there, you know?
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
My roommate can be a douchebag. He’s racist, egocentric, elitist, overly religious (sometimes), sexist, bigot, and homophobic.
Thing is though, he’s probably one of the better roommates here I could have really. He’s clean, he’s respectful of my space and things, it’s fun to talk to him when he’s not acting like the Derek I hate. Like, we have millions of inside jokes. Around 80% of what we talk about are inside jokes.
“Bean cup”
“Likin’ it like Lycanthrope.”
“Toooo late”
“Potatooo”
“Prom Night Dumpster Baby”
“Bilson Beating”
“En da da da da”
All classics. I just wish he wasn’t such a dick the other part of the time. I’d actually be able to be a really good friend with him. But, people have personality flaws. I have them. Most of the time, I’m a totally nice guy, but I can be a total dick too. I’m a hypocrite at times, I tend to see my views as better than others just because I can argue them better, and I can be overly sensitive.
So I’m not just bashing on Derek, because really, he’s a great guy and an all around decent roommate. In all actuality, he’s one of the best roommates at this dorm I bet. It’s just, you don’t really know what kind of flaws a person has until you live with them. But, you also see the good parts of people. Just when you see someone when they are in their own environment, you see the good and the bad. I personally deal with the bad in my roommate by writing about it. If he’s being a dick, I tend to do the, “Mmhmm” and sit at my desk. I’m not going to get in his face about it, what good would that do? I’m just trying to learn to deal with personality flaws in people while figuring out my own.
Damn you DivX
Dammit…I just downloaded this thing called veoh player to play videos I’ve downloaded from veoh.com, and it’s being lame. Says that I don’t have the newest version, and to click a link to get it. I click the link, download it, and try again. Same thing. I’m sitting here with the newest version, and nothing. Says to restart if I get a problem, so I do feeling confident it’ll work. It don’t. Screw veoh player. My mac never has problems, at all. Once a program comes around that has a little glitch, I feel like going ape-shit about it, since I’m not used to my computer being dumb for me, unlike PC users.
Well fuck, thought it would have been cool to be able to download my anime, but I guess not.
