Feel better.
I was feeling all depressed earlier because I was realizing how alone I felt.
Ok, it all started with me moving up to Redding. I did it to get a better job while in college. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown, I couldn’t make enough to save money for a place of my own, or enough to get my license back (~800$). So, I moved in with my dad. I wanted to be able to support my girl when she came back to this area in June, and I could only do so with money. Well, when I did this, I left ALL my friends behind in Red Bluff. I know nobody but my dad and cousin here in Redding. I’m not friends with my cousin really, we just don’t dislike each other, she’s very “preppy and jesus-y.”
After feeling like that, my friend Kevin calls me up from Red Bluff and is like, ”Heeey Gary (that’s how he talks), I got a party I’m going to later, you should totally come. I’ve got booze and a gay midget.”
First of all, he does have a gay midget. I’ve haven’t met him yet, but I’ve seen pics. Yea, he’s flaming, it’s so awesome.Ok, I have no gas money at all, because I need 55$ for my phone bill next month, plus gas money to school and work (eventually) and back. I have 95$~ in my account. Redding is a 30 minute drive from Red Bluff. I drive a truck. You do the math.
I get all depressed again, but during the conversation with him (lasting about 10 minutes), my friend Tanya texts me asking what’s up and such. After the call with Kevin, I call my girlfriend back and talk to her for like ~3 hours. After that, I remember the text and reply. About 20-30 minutes later, Tanya calls (by the way, Tanya is my girlfriend Elie’s sister and one of my best friends). She tells me about some stuff that happened and we talk about it. Then after that, we talk for like an hour and a half. It was awesome talking to a friend on the phone for longer than 10 minutes again.
I haven’t been able to do that in years. Usually, we’d just talk about where we’d meet, then go there and hang. But we got to talk for a while about just different shit. It was cool. When Elie and I get married, I’ll be really happy to have such a cool friend as a sister-in-law. Plus, I think her boyfriend is a really cool guy too. Quiet like me, but can be really fun, most definitely one of the nicest people I have ever met too.
And that is my night. Now I’m going to play a bit of WoW or Oblivion. Haven’t decided yet.
Future-esque-ish-ness
The side of my finger is really fucking sore and hard from guitar hero last night. Good news is though, I finally got past carry me home on hard last night. It’s been my bane the past two weeks because it’s sat there mocking me, and I couldn’t do anything about it since I had so much homework. Well, last night, I finally got it. It was that fucking intro that’d fuck me over though, I’d get 6-11 percent and fail. After I got past about 16% of the song, I totally got the rest of it.
After that, I got from psychobilly up until free bird before failing again. I felt pretty good about that. But once I got to free bird, I just thought, “Fuck, time to fail.” And I did after 76%. Pwnt 
.
Another accomplishment last night was finally completing every math assignment for the entire semester in my math class last night. Now I just need to take the tests and I’m done. So I’ll be a busy fucking guy this week. Finals are next monday and tuesday, and a possible wednesday math final if I don’t finish it this week. Either way, I’ll be leaving fremont for good to move back to Red Bluff for a bit.
I don’t plan on staying in RB forever, but really, college is the last time I get to act young and kind of care-free, and I’d like friends for that. I have about 2 and a half years left until I get my BA, and I don’t mind spending that time at home with friends going to school. A semester at shasta this fall, then transfer to chico to finish up. Live at home with mom during the summer, then move into my own place around the beginning of August. I think it’s a pretty decent plan. Now to just find someone who will also be moving into their own place around that time…..
3v3
Ok, so my buddy Mike (Check out his blog here: http://phenomenaonbreak.wordpress.com/ ) and me used to play WoW all the time together. Well, he doesn’t really play anymore. Kinda sucks, but meh. Wish he still did. Always tried to get him into the end-game stuff I did, but usually he didn’t seem interested, or once he did, it was too late. Basically, I just tried to play with him when I could.
So, we would make alts (alternative characters) and play on those together. We made two blood elfs on the gorefiend server. I had a mage, and he had a priest. That was easily the most fun i had in a while. But, we got to level 15 and he doesn’t play it anymore. Yeah, sad times. But, I got over it. Before that, we made a another pair, his warlock, and my shaman. He started first, and I caught up. We leveled together, good fun was had. But he started to slow down and went back to his main (the character we met each other on) and I ended leveling past with my shaman, up to 29 while he was 24 still. I think he’s up to 27 now, but it’s kinda past it. I doubt he’ll play either of those characters again
Well, we made a 2v2 arena team. That was one of the more fun experiences. We sucked at first, but after that, we did better. Either way, it was fun as hell. Now, he doesn’t play much, so it’s just me on there. I joined a 3v3 arena team with a guildie after that. It’s really fun. I guess it sucks that I don’t get to play with one of my better friends anymore, but what can ya do?
Last night, my 3v3 arena team went 20-26 (wins-losses). Considering one of my team mates had zero honorable kills on his character (meaning never did player vs player before) and never been in an arena, we did decent. My teammate Xenohart (the other one) had always been a noob. Whenever I had partied with him, my dps (damage per second) would be so massively better than his, it was sad. Seriously, when he said he wanted a spot in the end-game Karazhan raids, we said it was full on hunters because we knew he sucked.
When I joined the 3v3 with him, I figured, “This guy sucks, but I’ll have fun at least.” Well, turns out he sucks at regular gameplay, but he’s rather decent at pvp (player vs player). In the matches with him, I always had the most damage done, but he tended to have the most kills. In the guild (Return With Honor is the name, about 200 people in it, and I’m one of the 7 who run it), I’m an officer, and he is a normal member. He continuously cursed and I didn’t do much since I usually don’t care. Well, he finally went over bored and said something racist, and I had to call him on it and give him a warning. Told him that cursing in front of me is fine (but not in guild chat or in front of other officers), but anything racist again, and I’ll kick him. I don’t like being the mean guy, but you have to set rules you know.
Anyways, breakdown.
-Wish Mike would play again
-Miss playing certain alts
-3v3 is fun as hell
-I’m needing a new person to play with a lot.
….Serious blog.
Ok, it was nice at first, but now having each girl I talk to say they like me is a bit much. I saw an old friend and added her, and she basically give me the old.
“But how could you thinki would have forgotten you seriously i mean, if i liked you back then why wouldnt i remeber, you know lol”
This is like the 6th one this week alone. Sure, it feels good knowing I’m not a circus freak, but still, I’m not the type of guy to just jump from girl to girl. I like a relationship. And the thing is, I like some of these girls back, but not all. Like the one I quoted, she’s nice and all, but I don’t like her like that. List, I think a list is good.
AC: Friends for a long time, and my two best friends both like her, and one of them is her boyfriend.
BK: Likes me, but got asked out by another guy first.
M: Just met her, but she’s flirting with me quite a bit over myspace. Like a lot. My friend’s ex.
LH: Old crush, yeah, she wants to go out too.
*New* AL: Was friends with her cousin and brother like 5 years ago, sent her a friend invite, now she sends me different invites…
Seven (just counted lol) other random girls: Seven other random girls have sent me messages on myspace (girls from Red Bluff) saying they used to think I was cute and heard I’m single now.
And last but not least….
Elie.
I’ve liked Elie a lot for about 2 years now, maybe 2.5. You know those crushes you have that would be just a dream come true if they liked you back, but you knew it’d never happen? Well, it’s happening to me 
We talked on the phone for close to three hours last night about almost nothing. Usually, when I talk on the phone with a girl for the first time, I hardly talk at all. I just sit there, and say, “Mmhmmm,” a lot. But, when I talked to Elie, it all came so naturally. The entire time, I was sitting there with this smile on my face. My cheeks actually hurt a little after since I was smiling the entire time! She’s sweet, nice, funny, cute, likes the same music as me, very liberal, and so much more. She is just so cute though. This is the girl I fantasized about going out with when I was with Deedra, and that’s saying something since only one other girl got in my mind like that.
But, of course there is a problem with this. Of course there is. She lives down here near Fremont now…..I find this out weeks before I move. If I had found this out about 2 months ago, I would have stayed living here! I like her that much! Argh! She has her dad in RB still who she visits for a weekend every month, but I couldn’t wait for just that! Get out of one long distance relationship just to get in another? I couldn’t. The thing is, this summer, she’ll be up in Red Bluff for like 2-3 months with her Dad. And during this time, I have plans of spending as much time as I can with her.
The talk we had was so great last night though. When she was like,
“Don’t laugh at me, but…..I really like you.”
That was the most awesome thing for me. I mean, I knew she did from the fact that she has been flirting with me constantly for about a week now, but hearing her say the words was awesome. Jeez, I feel like a little kid again. Almost want to giggle. Jebus, this is a great feeling!
But there are some things that get in the way of it though. I don’t see how any of it would work with the distance. This kills me so much to think of that. I mean, sure, there are other girls who are in Red Bluff I can go out with, girls that I like. But this is Elie!
I don’t know. I hate this. I don’t want to settle for someone else, but I also don’t want to have a difficult relationship. I don’t know. This is going to be something on my mind constantly the next few weeks. Argh, just wish Elie would move back to Red Bluff.
Sneak peak
This is a sneak peek of a story of mine going into the Harbinger Issue 2.
“Sitting on a black futon couch, my brother sitting only inches away from me. The both of us on our laptops. I’m sitting there staring at my laptop background (a wallpaper made from a Nine Inch Nails video) just hoping for a bit of e-socialization. One of those pings indicating a new e-mail or instant message. One of those alerts on myspace saying I have some sort of message. A choppy song from my cell phone. Anything. I was desperate for something, anything. Yet, through all this, I sat there, and stared at my desktop. I sat there awaiting some sort of socialization, though, I initiated nothing.
My brother tells about some sort of cowboy party out on some property. I say no. I want socialization, but a different socialization. I was desperate, but not totally desperate. So, I sit and stare yet again.
Refresh myspace. Check my cellphone. Refresh myspace again. Check to make sure I’m online with instant messaging. Refresh myspace. Check my cellphone to see if the ringer is on. Refresh myspace. Then I hear a ping. A faint ping. It’s an instant message!
Yet, it’s from my brother, who is sitting but inches away from me. It says, “Don’t be a douchebag, come to the party with me.” Like me, my brother is only visiting town for a short time. Like me, he is equally desperate for the same socialization. (Checks cellphone). The desperation for a thing to do with our lives at that very moment. My brother is different than me though. He is one who will take any sort of socialization. I am a shy person in meeting new people. (Refresh myspace). I would be more willing to sit and stare, than socialize with people I don’t know. Apparently my desperation is lower than I had imagined.
(Checks e-mail) I tell him I won’t. He continues to talk to me about it. I say no. I sit and stare again. It has been an hour. (Refresh myspace). I start to think, “Do I really not want to go to this party?” I really do. The thing is, I knew my brother too well. He runs from group to group and knows everyone. I like to sit with a few friends. I’m content with that. Contentment is a good feeling.
(Refresh myspace) I ask my brother who will be at the party. He says nobody I know. I return to staring. I hear a ping. Again it’s my brother, who is close enough that he has his foot resting on my calf. He says, “Cute girls there.” This brings my attention up. I’m a fan of girls. Yet, I send a instant message right back to him saying, “So what.” What am I doing to myself? I start to think that I’m sabotaging myself. I want to learn to socialize better. I want to make friends. I want to do something. Yet, I say no.
(Refresh myspace) A ping rings through my ears. “Come on,” Comes up on my screen in a small black font. That same black font that synonymously goes with online socialization. Yet, tonight, I’m associating it to closely with happiness. Will I really be happy if it comes onto my screen? The answer is yes.
(Checks cellphone) I realize that what I’m doing is fruitless. I tell my brother that I will go with him if someone I know will go. He gives me a simple, “Ok.” I feel like I have just taken a large step towards something, yet, 10 minutes later, I’m still staring and doing nothing.
(Refresh myspace) I sit. I mope. I slouch. I meander on the edge of apathy. I hear a choppy bit of music erupt from my pocket.
It was my friend. Him and his girlfriend want to hang out after he drops off his sister. What do I feel? I feel luck. I was about to give in and just lay down. I was thinking about how pathetic I was being. How desperation was only going to a point before meeting up with apathy.
I have my night. I have my socialization. Am I happy now? More than anything.”
Update on "Dangst"
So, she signed off IM, and was about to leave the house, when her dad walked in and asked where she was going. Caught. Damn. So she signs back on and says, “I got caught, won’t be able to try again either.”
At least we tried.
It sucks though, she’s such a cute cute girl, and I’ve had the crushies (you heard me Mike) on her for ages. When we used to hang out, she had a boyfriend, and she would always talk to me about him and whether or not she should break up with him or not over things. Well, apparently, that whole time, she was really just seeing if I would go out with her if she left him. Dang. I’m horrible at picking up hints from girls. So so so horrible. I wish I had picked up on that. I wish so much.
Truthfully, I think that she is the best looking girl I’ve ever had a chance with (well, that I liked back). Best thing is, she’s a really cool girl who is totally fun to hang out with.
I hope that she comes back to town again after I move back, I really want to hang out with her again.
Jeez, it’s been ages since I’ve flirted with a girl and been flirted with back, forgot how great it feels. I guess when you’re in a relationship for as long as I was, you get comfortable.
I’m glad that I know I at least have a chance with her though lol. It is pretty disappointing that we didn’t get to hang out though. Even if we just sat around and talked, I would have been totally happy with it. I’m not the kind of guy who would date a girl just for the physical parts, not at all. Truthfully, I would have trouble doing a one-night stand, just not that type of guy I guess. But since I’ve known Elie for so long, I was really looking forward to having a fun make-out time with her I guess lol.
I mean, I’ve always had girls be forward with me in the past (I mean really forward with some), but never really accepted it. But certain girls, I can’t help it, you know? Still, I’ve only ever kissed one girl in my life.
Anyways, there’s my night. Got my hopes up for a fun time with an old friend I’ve missed, and then got them shot right back down lol. I’m done for now than. Can’t think of anyone else to talk to or hang out with. I guess I’m done for the weekend socially. It’s ok though, just 3 more weeks until I’m back for good.
-Gary
More dangst in a bean cup
I’m leaving Red Bluff to go back to Fremont in the afternoon. It feels bad. I don’t want to go back. I loved this visit. I got to see friends, and I got to see my sister drunk off her ass (actually, she was drunk and on her ass in the dirt most the time). I got to be with my brother, who really is one of my best friends. I went to my first “cowboy” party (you know, bonfires, guns, cowboy hats, country music, and a lot of whiskey) out in the boondocks. Played guitar hero from 3:30am to around 6am with friends on saturday.
I just don’t want to go back to sitting in my room like a hermit. I had forgotten how fun it is to go out and do things. *sigh* I guess I can’t help it, I can wait another 3 weeks until I move back permanent, but I just don’t want to. Hate it.
Old friends
So, I found an old friend on myspace the other day. About two years ago, we used to hang out as friends a lot. I always thought she was cute, but she went out with my older brother, so couldn’t do anything about that. Like, even after they broke up, and I found out she kinda liked me, I still would have felt so dirty going out with her right after my brother had, my brother is like my best friend.
Either way, now that I’m moving back, and my brother is in NC and relatively over it, I think I’m free. Once I get back, I think I’ll take her to a movie. I don’t think it’ll get more than just friends, but still, I still want to. Plus, she’s just such a fun friend.
I’m kinda trying to get back together with old friends I lost a while ago. Even though I don’t like to think it, I lost a lot of friends when I got my girlfriend. I just wanted to spend more time with her and got out of contact with everyone. A lot of my friends were girls though, so that was also part of it. I would have felt bad still hanging out with certain girls when I had Deedra. Well, now I can try and get in contact with them again.
There are a few certain friends I really want to start hanging out with again.
Lena
Brianna
Ashley
Nathan
Caitlin
Adam
Alex
Sean
Kevin
Jaridann
Zech
Kris
Can finally get back together with my old friends, hope it’s as easy as I hope.
Arghh-geh-geh-geh
So, was at work from 8-10 tonight. Was going to talk to my boss about the whole 2 week notice, buuuut, he was walking out the door as I walked up to the store. So damn.
Other than that, work was lame. Me trying to make friend with the people there is going lame-er-ly. It’s hard to make friends with people when they are all already friends. The 4 employees have all known and worked with each other for like at least a year each, and I’m just the newcomer who is trying to shove his way in. I’m friendly to them, they are friendly to me, yet, I’m excluded from their little circle.
When nothing is happening in the store, I’ll go stand over with them and such, but be kinda ignored you know? And sometimes they’ll do the friendly,
“SOOooooo, how’s it going?”
and I’ll say, “It’s going pretty good. Kinda tired, but pretty good. How about you?”
And I’ll get the, “Same.” Then they go back to their little thing.
It sucks. One girl, Fumei (fuu-may), is pretty nice and will talk to me and stuff when it’s just us two, but when others are there, it’s off to them. I mean, I’m not thinking they are jerks, the very opposite, they are very nice. It’s just hard to break into a circle of people. I’m only going to be there for a few more weeks, but still, it gets lonely there, you know?
Heidi-chan
I met this girl Heidi, from Arizona, back in November or December of 2006. She was the sister of my roommate’s friend. Well, we’ve talked a lot since then, and become really great friends. It’s kinda cool since neither of us have any of that kind of “interest” in the other, so it’s a totally unthreatening friendship. I have very few people I can really genuinely talk to: my mom, my friend Adam, and Heidi.
It’s a strange relationship though, since really, we mainly use each other for therapy. If she has a problem, she’ll vent to me, and vice versa. Past few weeks, it’s been seeming like it’s been mainly my talking, and her listening though, and I’ve felt kinda bad about that. I’ve had a lot of shit happening to me though, and I guess I’ve just not realized that other people have problems too. So, been asking her about anything she needs to talk about and such as well. Really, it’s always been mainly me talking.
Like I said, strange friendship I guess lol, but I truly love it. She’s a great friend I will sadly never meet in person.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
My roommate can be a douchebag. He’s racist, egocentric, elitist, overly religious (sometimes), sexist, bigot, and homophobic.
Thing is though, he’s probably one of the better roommates here I could have really. He’s clean, he’s respectful of my space and things, it’s fun to talk to him when he’s not acting like the Derek I hate. Like, we have millions of inside jokes. Around 80% of what we talk about are inside jokes.
“Bean cup”
“Likin’ it like Lycanthrope.”
“Toooo late”
“Potatooo”
“Prom Night Dumpster Baby”
“Bilson Beating”
“En da da da da”
All classics. I just wish he wasn’t such a dick the other part of the time. I’d actually be able to be a really good friend with him. But, people have personality flaws. I have them. Most of the time, I’m a totally nice guy, but I can be a total dick too. I’m a hypocrite at times, I tend to see my views as better than others just because I can argue them better, and I can be overly sensitive.
So I’m not just bashing on Derek, because really, he’s a great guy and an all around decent roommate. In all actuality, he’s one of the best roommates at this dorm I bet. It’s just, you don’t really know what kind of flaws a person has until you live with them. But, you also see the good parts of people. Just when you see someone when they are in their own environment, you see the good and the bad. I personally deal with the bad in my roommate by writing about it. If he’s being a dick, I tend to do the, “Mmhmm” and sit at my desk. I’m not going to get in his face about it, what good would that do? I’m just trying to learn to deal with personality flaws in people while figuring out my own.
Worked
Holy shit, feel so much better now. Called Brianna, and it went well!
She was always really quiet, so I had no clue how well a phone call would go, but it went fine. If anything, I didn’t talk enough. I suck at phone calls though, but still.
Jeez, glad that worked out. She seemed happy I called too, so that was a plus
I feel a lot better about this whole thing now. I liked her, but wasn’t 100% sure if I actually liked her. Doesn’t make sense does it?
Well, I had always been a friend of hers. We had some of the same friends, and we’d hung out a few times, but always with our mutual friends, so we didn’t talk much together. Because of that, I knew I liked her since she was always so cute, nice, and we had a lot in common, but I never knew if I truly liked her personality. I knew that if I talked to her one on one a few times, I’d get it.
That’s one down, a few more to go before I decide on asking her out or not. I can’t ask her out until I move back in June anyways, so I have time.
Wow….
I’m feeling so nervous right now. Been egging myself on to call Brianna all week. I knew I’d be alone all weekend, so I was going to do it saturday. Saturday is here and I’m feeling nervous as hell. I just wish I had the guts to just call.
I sat there for about 20 minutes staring at my cell in bed….then I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and now I really need to call. If I don’t I’m going to hate myself.
Dammit, this part is always so damn hard…..
