Feel better.
I was feeling all depressed earlier because I was realizing how alone I felt.
Ok, it all started with me moving up to Redding. I did it to get a better job while in college. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown, I couldn’t make enough to save money for a place of my own, or enough to get my license back (~800$). So, I moved in with my dad. I wanted to be able to support my girl when she came back to this area in June, and I could only do so with money. Well, when I did this, I left ALL my friends behind in Red Bluff. I know nobody but my dad and cousin here in Redding. I’m not friends with my cousin really, we just don’t dislike each other, she’s very “preppy and jesus-y.”
After feeling like that, my friend Kevin calls me up from Red Bluff and is like, ”Heeey Gary (that’s how he talks), I got a party I’m going to later, you should totally come. I’ve got booze and a gay midget.”
First of all, he does have a gay midget. I’ve haven’t met him yet, but I’ve seen pics. Yea, he’s flaming, it’s so awesome.Ok, I have no gas money at all, because I need 55$ for my phone bill next month, plus gas money to school and work (eventually) and back. I have 95$~ in my account. Redding is a 30 minute drive from Red Bluff. I drive a truck. You do the math.
I get all depressed again, but during the conversation with him (lasting about 10 minutes), my friend Tanya texts me asking what’s up and such. After the call with Kevin, I call my girlfriend back and talk to her for like ~3 hours. After that, I remember the text and reply. About 20-30 minutes later, Tanya calls (by the way, Tanya is my girlfriend Elie’s sister and one of my best friends). She tells me about some stuff that happened and we talk about it. Then after that, we talk for like an hour and a half. It was awesome talking to a friend on the phone for longer than 10 minutes again.
I haven’t been able to do that in years. Usually, we’d just talk about where we’d meet, then go there and hang. But we got to talk for a while about just different shit. It was cool. When Elie and I get married, I’ll be really happy to have such a cool friend as a sister-in-law. Plus, I think her boyfriend is a really cool guy too. Quiet like me, but can be really fun, most definitely one of the nicest people I have ever met too.
And that is my night. Now I’m going to play a bit of WoW or Oblivion. Haven’t decided yet.
Did I make a mistake……
I called Deedra just now. I told her I was going to be going out with Elie. Deedra is really upset now. I hate it. Deedra is my best friend, only Adam and like two others even come close, now I don’t think she’s going to want to be. I tried talking to her about something else after, and she was like, “Just no. I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you someday than I guess.”
Fuck, this sucks.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her, but it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t want her to find out second hand. I’d want her to tell me at least.
Dammit.
What am I going to do….
Why does bad shit always have to happen. Things might not be going the best, but they are going well enough to get you through life. But then something always has to happen to really ruin it. Not just happy days of joy, but just your plans of life in general.
I had planned to move back to Red Bluff and live with my mom for a few months before I get a job to get an apartment. I have about 1100 in the bank sitting there for the soul reason of getting an apartment. I won’t use it for anything else. Well guess what? Shit happened.
My mom is on disability for severe depression, has been my whole life. We have always just barely gotten by. When we moved to Red Bluff when I was about 8-9, we moved into my great grandparents house to take care of it (great grandfather just died, and my great grandmother was in a nursing home after a sever stroke). There was no rent since they had built it back in the 10’s to 20’s. We had our own well, so no water bill. Only real bill was the phone and electric, and those are small. Well, after a few years, my grandmother finally passed on. A while after this, we find out my uncle (one in charge of their finances) put off putting the house in my mother’s mother’s name. So that never happened. Because of this, the government said he had to sell the house and give them the money. He said we had about 5 years to sell it and get out. Well, about 2 years later, we have an eviction notice taped to the door, that if we don’t get out in 3 days, a sheriff will make us.
My mom had no clue what to do, my uncle said we could stay in it for 5 more years before they could sell it, but he lied. He also would not reply to our calls or any of my whole families’ calls. My mom was just asking if he could wait until the end of the month when she got her check, but he wouldn’t even let us contact him. We had to pack our things and get out. My entire family gave us money to get a place then. My mom got an apartment for us. I moved a month later to Fremont. While here, my mother moved again to a cheaper place. In fact, the cheapest place she was able to find.
Well, since then, my dad cut off my part of the child support. After paying the bills, and buying the cheapest food she could, my mom usually has about 20-40 dollars left. Before my dad cut it off, she was getting 400$ a month, now she’ll get 100$ a month. I don’t see how my mom will be able to do it. Getting 400 a month, she had 20-40$ left, now she’s getting 100 a month from him. I just don’t know.
I was planning on moving in with her when I got back, but I could never do that now. I can’t put that on her shoulders too. I could easily move in with my father in Redding (about 45 minutes north of Red Bluff), but after him doing this, I don’t want to be that close to him.
So, this leaves me with a new option.
I get to sleep around at people’s houses and in my truck, and maybe crash at my mom’s house every once in a while. Once I get a job, I’ll be better off, but not much. I have the money now to put a deposit down for a crappy apartment, but I don’t have the income to pay rent after that. So I’ll be sleeping where I can while trying to get a job. Once I do that, I’ll get a place.
I would really like to get a roommate to help with the rent, if I did, I could get a place right away I think. I don’t know, this will take some careful shit to get right.
Can you tell just how much I hate living here in Fremont? I’m willing to be homeless just to move away.
Confuggled.
It’s weird. Was in a serious relationship for almost two years, before it ended about 3 weeks ago. It still feels strange you know? Little things. Like, I have a crush on another girl now and everything, and I don’t know, haven’t felt that in a while.
But it’s strange. I still love my ex, in fact, she left me, so I still had feelings for her. So that’s what makes it weird. Loving one person only for a while, and then, BAM, that can’t happen anymore.
This girl Brianna, I’ve liked her for about, oh jeez, 3 years now? Since I was a sophomore in high school I think, so almost 4 years I guess. Two years ago, before I met my ex, I was too shy and self-concious to ever ask her out, or for her number or anything. Now that I’m single, it feels weird to know that I can. I’ve never been experienced with the whole dating thing. With my ex, it all just fell together. She liked me, I liked her, it was obvious and simple. With Brianna, it feels different.
Now it just feels like I have to really try. I don’t know what I’m supposed to try at though. I’ve only dated my ex, and another girl for about two weeks before that. I barely know what to do. I’ve called her once now, and I think I did ok, but I have no clue. I talk to her on myspace, but how is a person supposed to know how one is feeling through text? Easy with some people, difficult with others.
As far as I know, she adores me, and is just shy about it. Or, she really hates me. The latter is less likely since she’ll talk to me too, but still, I just don’t have a clue.
Argh! I hate being clueless. I almost just want to call her and say, “Wanna go on a date?” But I can’t! It’s so different for me right now.
She lives in my old town, and I live in a new town. I’m moving back in June, but still. I can’t exactly say, “Hey, want to see a movie? I’ll just have to drive 400 miles north and meet you there.” Argh. I don’t want to start anything until I move back, but I don’t don’t want to!
Dammit!
So confuggled…..
This isn’t even the worst part. She has a new boyfriend now. Bam. That’s what I get for being here and not there to ask her out. But the thing is, it’s still really new, so I’m not really feeling any reason to back off with it. I’m not going to straight ask her out while she’s dating another guy, but I will tell her how I feel. But damn, I feel like a dick for that.
I don’t know. Even though I really like her, a lot, I guess I should just give it up. I mean, she has a boyfriend, though it might not be serious, and as far as I know, she might even prefer me. Or, she never liked me as anything more than a friend. Who knows. Not me. She does, but I don’t.
Basically, I think I’m going to call her again and hope I get her by herself, and not with others. Might get a better feeling of my chances. I’m just so damn awkward on the phone….
Why can’t this be like middle school where I could send her a note that says, “I like you, if you like me, circle ‘yes.’” Damn. I would love that.
Argh…
