It’s like a blog, but better looking than you.

This is a sneak peek of a story of mine going into the Harbinger Issue 2.

“Sitting on a black futon couch, my brother sitting only inches away from me. The both of us on our laptops. I’m sitting there staring at my laptop background (a wallpaper made from a Nine Inch Nails video) just hoping for a bit of e-socialization. One of those pings indicating a new e-mail or instant message. One of those alerts on myspace saying I have some sort of message. A choppy song from my cell phone. Anything. I was desperate for something, anything. Yet, through all this, I sat there, and stared at my desktop. I sat there awaiting some sort of socialization, though, I initiated nothing.

My brother tells about some sort of cowboy party out on some property. I say no. I want socialization, but a different socialization. I was desperate, but not totally desperate. So, I sit and stare yet again.

Refresh myspace. Check my cellphone. Refresh myspace again. Check to make sure I’m online with instant messaging. Refresh myspace. Check my cellphone to see if the ringer is on. Refresh myspace. Then I hear a ping. A faint ping. It’s an instant message!

Yet, it’s from my brother, who is sitting but inches away from me. It says, “Don’t be a douchebag, come to the party with me.” Like me, my brother is only visiting town for a short time. Like me, he is equally desperate for the same socialization. (Checks cellphone). The desperation for a thing to do with our lives at that very moment. My brother is different than me though. He is one who will take any sort of socialization. I am a shy person in meeting new people. (Refresh myspace). I would be more willing to sit and stare, than socialize with people I don’t know. Apparently my desperation is lower than I had imagined.

(Checks e-mail) I tell him I won’t. He continues to talk to me about it. I say no. I sit and stare again. It has been an hour. (Refresh myspace). I start to think, “Do I really not want to go to this party?” I really do. The thing is, I knew my brother too well. He runs from group to group and knows everyone. I like to sit with a few friends. I’m content with that. Contentment is a good feeling.

(Refresh myspace) I ask my brother who will be at the party. He says nobody I know. I return to staring. I hear a ping. Again it’s my brother, who is close enough that he has his foot resting on my calf. He says, “Cute girls there.” This brings my attention up. I’m a fan of girls. Yet, I send a instant message right back to him saying, “So what.” What am I doing to myself? I start to think that I’m sabotaging myself. I want to learn to socialize better. I want to make friends. I want to do something. Yet, I say no.

(Refresh myspace) A ping rings through my ears. “Come on,” Comes up on my screen in a small black font. That same black font that synonymously goes with online socialization. Yet, tonight, I’m associating it to closely with happiness. Will I really be happy if it comes onto my screen? The answer is yes.

(Checks cellphone) I realize that what I’m doing is fruitless. I tell my brother that I will go with him if someone I know will go. He gives me a simple, “Ok.” I feel like I have just taken a large step towards something, yet, 10 minutes later, I’m still staring and doing nothing.

(Refresh myspace) I sit. I mope. I slouch. I meander on the edge of apathy. I hear a choppy bit of music erupt from my pocket.
It was my friend. Him and his girlfriend want to hang out after he drops off his sister. What do I feel? I feel luck. I was about to give in and just lay down. I was thinking about how pathetic I was being. How desperation was only going to a point before meeting up with apathy.

I have my night. I have my socialization. Am I happy now? More than anything.”