Feel better.
I was feeling all depressed earlier because I was realizing how alone I felt.
Ok, it all started with me moving up to Redding. I did it to get a better job while in college. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown, I couldn’t make enough to save money for a place of my own, or enough to get my license back (~800$). So, I moved in with my dad. I wanted to be able to support my girl when she came back to this area in June, and I could only do so with money. Well, when I did this, I left ALL my friends behind in Red Bluff. I know nobody but my dad and cousin here in Redding. I’m not friends with my cousin really, we just don’t dislike each other, she’s very “preppy and jesus-y.”
After feeling like that, my friend Kevin calls me up from Red Bluff and is like, ”Heeey Gary (that’s how he talks), I got a party I’m going to later, you should totally come. I’ve got booze and a gay midget.”
First of all, he does have a gay midget. I’ve haven’t met him yet, but I’ve seen pics. Yea, he’s flaming, it’s so awesome.Ok, I have no gas money at all, because I need 55$ for my phone bill next month, plus gas money to school and work (eventually) and back. I have 95$~ in my account. Redding is a 30 minute drive from Red Bluff. I drive a truck. You do the math.
I get all depressed again, but during the conversation with him (lasting about 10 minutes), my friend Tanya texts me asking what’s up and such. After the call with Kevin, I call my girlfriend back and talk to her for like ~3 hours. After that, I remember the text and reply. About 20-30 minutes later, Tanya calls (by the way, Tanya is my girlfriend Elie’s sister and one of my best friends). She tells me about some stuff that happened and we talk about it. Then after that, we talk for like an hour and a half. It was awesome talking to a friend on the phone for longer than 10 minutes again.
I haven’t been able to do that in years. Usually, we’d just talk about where we’d meet, then go there and hang. But we got to talk for a while about just different shit. It was cool. When Elie and I get married, I’ll be really happy to have such a cool friend as a sister-in-law. Plus, I think her boyfriend is a really cool guy too. Quiet like me, but can be really fun, most definitely one of the nicest people I have ever met too.
And that is my night. Now I’m going to play a bit of WoW or Oblivion. Haven’t decided yet.
Did I make a mistake……
I called Deedra just now. I told her I was going to be going out with Elie. Deedra is really upset now. I hate it. Deedra is my best friend, only Adam and like two others even come close, now I don’t think she’s going to want to be. I tried talking to her about something else after, and she was like, “Just no. I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you someday than I guess.”
Fuck, this sucks.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her, but it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t want her to find out second hand. I’d want her to tell me at least.
Dammit.
….Serious blog.
Ok, it was nice at first, but now having each girl I talk to say they like me is a bit much. I saw an old friend and added her, and she basically give me the old.
“But how could you thinki would have forgotten you seriously i mean, if i liked you back then why wouldnt i remeber, you know lol”
This is like the 6th one this week alone. Sure, it feels good knowing I’m not a circus freak, but still, I’m not the type of guy to just jump from girl to girl. I like a relationship. And the thing is, I like some of these girls back, but not all. Like the one I quoted, she’s nice and all, but I don’t like her like that. List, I think a list is good.
AC: Friends for a long time, and my two best friends both like her, and one of them is her boyfriend.
BK: Likes me, but got asked out by another guy first.
M: Just met her, but she’s flirting with me quite a bit over myspace. Like a lot. My friend’s ex.
LH: Old crush, yeah, she wants to go out too.
*New* AL: Was friends with her cousin and brother like 5 years ago, sent her a friend invite, now she sends me different invites…
Seven (just counted lol) other random girls: Seven other random girls have sent me messages on myspace (girls from Red Bluff) saying they used to think I was cute and heard I’m single now.
And last but not least….
Elie.
I’ve liked Elie a lot for about 2 years now, maybe 2.5. You know those crushes you have that would be just a dream come true if they liked you back, but you knew it’d never happen? Well, it’s happening to me 
We talked on the phone for close to three hours last night about almost nothing. Usually, when I talk on the phone with a girl for the first time, I hardly talk at all. I just sit there, and say, “Mmhmmm,” a lot. But, when I talked to Elie, it all came so naturally. The entire time, I was sitting there with this smile on my face. My cheeks actually hurt a little after since I was smiling the entire time! She’s sweet, nice, funny, cute, likes the same music as me, very liberal, and so much more. She is just so cute though. This is the girl I fantasized about going out with when I was with Deedra, and that’s saying something since only one other girl got in my mind like that.
But, of course there is a problem with this. Of course there is. She lives down here near Fremont now…..I find this out weeks before I move. If I had found this out about 2 months ago, I would have stayed living here! I like her that much! Argh! She has her dad in RB still who she visits for a weekend every month, but I couldn’t wait for just that! Get out of one long distance relationship just to get in another? I couldn’t. The thing is, this summer, she’ll be up in Red Bluff for like 2-3 months with her Dad. And during this time, I have plans of spending as much time as I can with her.
The talk we had was so great last night though. When she was like,
“Don’t laugh at me, but…..I really like you.”
That was the most awesome thing for me. I mean, I knew she did from the fact that she has been flirting with me constantly for about a week now, but hearing her say the words was awesome. Jeez, I feel like a little kid again. Almost want to giggle. Jebus, this is a great feeling!
But there are some things that get in the way of it though. I don’t see how any of it would work with the distance. This kills me so much to think of that. I mean, sure, there are other girls who are in Red Bluff I can go out with, girls that I like. But this is Elie!
I don’t know. I hate this. I don’t want to settle for someone else, but I also don’t want to have a difficult relationship. I don’t know. This is going to be something on my mind constantly the next few weeks. Argh, just wish Elie would move back to Red Bluff.
Update on "Dangst"
So, she signed off IM, and was about to leave the house, when her dad walked in and asked where she was going. Caught. Damn. So she signs back on and says, “I got caught, won’t be able to try again either.”
At least we tried.
It sucks though, she’s such a cute cute girl, and I’ve had the crushies (you heard me Mike) on her for ages. When we used to hang out, she had a boyfriend, and she would always talk to me about him and whether or not she should break up with him or not over things. Well, apparently, that whole time, she was really just seeing if I would go out with her if she left him. Dang. I’m horrible at picking up hints from girls. So so so horrible. I wish I had picked up on that. I wish so much.
Truthfully, I think that she is the best looking girl I’ve ever had a chance with (well, that I liked back). Best thing is, she’s a really cool girl who is totally fun to hang out with.
I hope that she comes back to town again after I move back, I really want to hang out with her again.
Jeez, it’s been ages since I’ve flirted with a girl and been flirted with back, forgot how great it feels. I guess when you’re in a relationship for as long as I was, you get comfortable.
I’m glad that I know I at least have a chance with her though lol. It is pretty disappointing that we didn’t get to hang out though. Even if we just sat around and talked, I would have been totally happy with it. I’m not the kind of guy who would date a girl just for the physical parts, not at all. Truthfully, I would have trouble doing a one-night stand, just not that type of guy I guess. But since I’ve known Elie for so long, I was really looking forward to having a fun make-out time with her I guess lol.
I mean, I’ve always had girls be forward with me in the past (I mean really forward with some), but never really accepted it. But certain girls, I can’t help it, you know? Still, I’ve only ever kissed one girl in my life.
Anyways, there’s my night. Got my hopes up for a fun time with an old friend I’ve missed, and then got them shot right back down lol. I’m done for now than. Can’t think of anyone else to talk to or hang out with. I guess I’m done for the weekend socially. It’s ok though, just 3 more weeks until I’m back for good.
-Gary
Dangst
So, girl I liked last year, Elie, I find her on myspace and start talking to her. She moved to santa cruz apparently, so that sucks. But, same weekend I’m in Red Bluff, so is she. We are both on myspace IM pretty much trying to get eachother to sneak out and hang out (mind you, it’s 2:30am).
“yeah i know
So, do you have a boyfriend back in SC?
yeah but he is being an ass hole i dont like him much
That sucks
yeah i dont know what his problem is hes fucked up
Than dump him lol, usually a good idea with that
yeah i guess so but he wont let me
he’ll just say no and act like nothing is wrong or he’ll make me feel like shit
that’s so fucked up elie
yeah i know need some one thats actually nice
I’m sorry Really wish I could help you
You deserve a nice guy
well ……………………………………. u could help”
Yeah, I’m liking how this conversation is progressing. I’ll still understand if she can’t come hang out, but dang it’ll suck.
Confuggled.
It’s weird. Was in a serious relationship for almost two years, before it ended about 3 weeks ago. It still feels strange you know? Little things. Like, I have a crush on another girl now and everything, and I don’t know, haven’t felt that in a while.
But it’s strange. I still love my ex, in fact, she left me, so I still had feelings for her. So that’s what makes it weird. Loving one person only for a while, and then, BAM, that can’t happen anymore.
This girl Brianna, I’ve liked her for about, oh jeez, 3 years now? Since I was a sophomore in high school I think, so almost 4 years I guess. Two years ago, before I met my ex, I was too shy and self-concious to ever ask her out, or for her number or anything. Now that I’m single, it feels weird to know that I can. I’ve never been experienced with the whole dating thing. With my ex, it all just fell together. She liked me, I liked her, it was obvious and simple. With Brianna, it feels different.
Now it just feels like I have to really try. I don’t know what I’m supposed to try at though. I’ve only dated my ex, and another girl for about two weeks before that. I barely know what to do. I’ve called her once now, and I think I did ok, but I have no clue. I talk to her on myspace, but how is a person supposed to know how one is feeling through text? Easy with some people, difficult with others.
As far as I know, she adores me, and is just shy about it. Or, she really hates me. The latter is less likely since she’ll talk to me too, but still, I just don’t have a clue.
Argh! I hate being clueless. I almost just want to call her and say, “Wanna go on a date?” But I can’t! It’s so different for me right now.
She lives in my old town, and I live in a new town. I’m moving back in June, but still. I can’t exactly say, “Hey, want to see a movie? I’ll just have to drive 400 miles north and meet you there.” Argh. I don’t want to start anything until I move back, but I don’t don’t want to!
Dammit!
So confuggled…..
This isn’t even the worst part. She has a new boyfriend now. Bam. That’s what I get for being here and not there to ask her out. But the thing is, it’s still really new, so I’m not really feeling any reason to back off with it. I’m not going to straight ask her out while she’s dating another guy, but I will tell her how I feel. But damn, I feel like a dick for that.
I don’t know. Even though I really like her, a lot, I guess I should just give it up. I mean, she has a boyfriend, though it might not be serious, and as far as I know, she might even prefer me. Or, she never liked me as anything more than a friend. Who knows. Not me. She does, but I don’t.
Basically, I think I’m going to call her again and hope I get her by herself, and not with others. Might get a better feeling of my chances. I’m just so damn awkward on the phone….
Why can’t this be like middle school where I could send her a note that says, “I like you, if you like me, circle ‘yes.’” Damn. I would love that.
Argh…
Wow….
I’m feeling so nervous right now. Been egging myself on to call Brianna all week. I knew I’d be alone all weekend, so I was going to do it saturday. Saturday is here and I’m feeling nervous as hell. I just wish I had the guts to just call.
I sat there for about 20 minutes staring at my cell in bed….then I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and now I really need to call. If I don’t I’m going to hate myself.
Dammit, this part is always so damn hard…..
